Big News About Crypto Prices and Trading Rules

Inspired by the funny writing of u/siliconsoul-10k . This one is for everyone who has ever looked at a crypto chart and felt confused. Also am so happy that I spent my last cent on "DOPESEEK" Asian human to create this without lifting my a**

Starting now, the people in charge of crypto have made a new system. It has nineteen price rules, three special support levels, and one resistance level that disappears if you look at it too hard.

Here is how it works:

Bitcoin prices will now be measured in Saylor Units. One Saylor Unit equals one MicroStrategy bond sale announced at 3 in the morning. If you buy when prices are low, you use 0.7 units. If you sell when prices are high, you use all your units and get sent to the meme coin group.

Trump coins will go up or down based on his posts on Truth Social from the last five minutes. If he says "crypto", the coin doubles. But on Tuesdays, if he says "tariff", the coin drops by half. On those days, you get free coins if you can count the vowels in his post.

Michael Saylor can buy more Bitcoin at normal prices, strange prices, or whatever price shows up after you refresh the chart three times. Saylor does not have any daily limits. But first he must finish a maze and beat a monster made of bonds. His status bar only shows one color: Infinite Plaid.

Everyone who trades now has these limits:

A limit that kicks in every five seconds.

A limit that changes every seven days.

A limit that moves slowly every month.

A limit every three months that gets close to $100,000 but never reaches it.

A limit based on whatever Trump says.

A limit based on whatever the Federal Reserve does.

A "fair" limit based on the mood of a small brass weather vane on top of the New York Stock Exchange. But if they swap it for a gold bull statue, then the mood changes.

Meme coins work on the Rule of Group Madness. Reading one white paper costs 0.3 Madness Units. Joining the Telegram group uses all your remaining units and makes you join the Doge Army. People who hold Pepe get five times more confusion than people who hold Shiba. But on full moons, Shiba holders get five times less regret than Pepe holders.

To make things clear, the Fear and Greed Index will now show four colors:

Green: You still have paper profits.

Amber: You might have paper profits.

Red: You used to have paper profits.

Plaid: Your money is about to be wiped out. Call a bagpiper. He will also handle your liquidation.

If you run out of weekly loss room, you can buy more dip credits at normal prices, panic prices, or whatever price appears after you refresh the order book three times. Credits that you do not use disappear at the end of the month. Credits that you do use disappear immediately, right at the worst possible moment.

To stop cheating, the crypto bosses may secretly sell your coins if you:

Use too much borrowed money.

Use too little borrowed money.

Ask how high Bitcoin will go.

Try to figure out how Saylor's average buy price compares to today's price.

Say "this cannot be the top" or "this time it is different".

Big whales can ask for special price floors by filling out Form 88-B, "Request to Talk to Someone Who Actually Knows the Real Interest Rate." It takes six to eight money years to process, or about three times when Trump changes his cabinet.

Anthropic promises clear and simple prices. Oops, this is crypto. Here are the plans:

Bitcoin Maxi: You believe forever, but you have limited money.

Ethereum Casual: You are a little confused and pay high fees.

Meme Degenerate: You put in all your money and get nothing useful.

Trump Maga: Prices go up and down a lot. Tariffs are not included.

Saylor Leverage: You borrow today, buy Bitcoin tomorrow, and never go broke.

Enterprise: Ask the Treasury Secretary.

Enterprise Premium: The Treasury Secretary asks you.

These new rules started yesterday. They will be fully working a few weeks before the next Bitcoin halving. The halving date will be announced after the price goes up or down, whichever happens first.